I have wanted to write a blog post about this topic for a while now, but wasn’t quite sure where to start.  I knew how I felt on the subject, but wasn’t sure how people may react to my point of view.  You see, I am not o.k. with an ” ordinary life “.  Being ” content ” would never be enough for me, nor would doing things the way everyone else does. That would just be boring.  I have never been a ” sheep ” that follows the crowd - I prefer to have my own thoughts.   I really believe that there must be more to life than the whole work-eat-sleep routine I have often referred to in my posts.  Existing is what many do - I would like to ” live “, and fully experience life, and all the joys it can bring.  Finding the key to doing that may be the tricky part …

     As I was reading the little local paper this morning, I glanced at my Horoscope, and was struck by what I read : ” For some people, living their dreams is not simply a nice idea, it is a duty.  You may be one such person. “  Now, whether you believe in horoscopes or not, this expressed precisely how I feel.  It went on to talk about the fact that I should stop worrying about the ” how and why “, and that I should take some risks.  ( something I rarely do )  It also said ” as ready as you are to embark on an adventure, a few key things must change . ”

     This all made total sense to me.  I absolutely feel that life is too short and precious to waste doing things that bring you no joy.  Most of us, at some time in our lives, have had jobs that we go to just for the paycheque, just to try and pay the bills.  We may have absolutely no interest in our job, have no desire to go there, but we dutifully go, because ” that’s what everyone does “.  We tell ourselves, ” It’s not forever “, ” it’s a means to an end ” or a ” stepping stone “, but we all know those months turn into years, and next thing we know, we’ll be retiring, and wondering why we never tried anything that really interested us, or made us happy. Work is just one example of how we sell ourselves short in life, but you get my point.

     In the past 5 years, I have thought of the things I most wanted to do, ( make a CD, and meet my childhood crush ) and have gone out and made them happen.  It’s not always easy, and things don’t always turn out quite as you expect, but even having accomplished those 2 small things ( significant to me, though ) I now have proof that dreams can come true.   We all have things we would love to do, given the opportunity - often this would require a lot of money, and/or free time - so it rarely becomes reality.   For example, I would love nothing more than to be able to work on my music every day, to have the free time to dedicate to it, that is necessary to get anywhere.  I fantasize about how wonderful it would feel to not have to go to work every day to try and pay the mortgage, or worry about bills all the time. 

     I often wonder how the ” lucky ones ” feel - the people that are already doing something they truly love and are passionate about, and either have someone financially backing or supporting them ( so they don’t have to drain their time and energy with a ” day job ” ) or they’re already making a living doing what brings them joy.  I wonder if those rare few people really realize how fortunate they are, and that they are by far the exception to the rule.  Obviously, there are those that are handed things, but I think most people that are living their lives doing what they really want to have worked very hard to make it happen.  These people were not o.k. being ” content” , either - they wanted more, and after putting their minds to it, and being willing to put in the work, time, effort and dedication needed, made things happen for themselves.  They did not just sit around wishing for a better life - they did something about it.

     It always makes me sad when I see people who look like they are weary of life.  ( I have seen that in the mirror before - I certainly don’t pretend to be happy all the time )  I wonder what those people hoped for during their lifetime.  Were there exotic destinations they’d hoped to visit one day, did they want to be an Actor, but their parents discouraged them ?  I just feel that most people, for whatever reasons, don’t allow themselves to do the things that would make them happy.  We are our own worst enemies, for the most part.  We limit ourselves, put invisible ” roadblocks ” in our own paths.  It’s easy to say ” Life has dealt me a bad hand ” or whatever, and just not bother trying based on that, but everyone deserves better than that.  It is also easy to think others are better off than us, financially, socially, whatever, but until you live their lives, you don’t really know - it is just your perception of them.  Everybody has struggles, everyone has pain - nobody has a ” perfect life “, despite appearances.

     There are a lot of things in my own life that need to change before I will feel I have truly done all I can to realize all of my own goals/dreams.  I am working on it, but am fully aware that I have a long way to go.  Perhaps not every goal will be reached, and that’s alright, as long as I at least care about myself enough to try.  It’s time to stop with the excuses/reasons why I can’t /shouldn’t do things, it’s time to stop limiting myself, or feeling I am not worthy of real happiness.  This is not just about me - most people I know are not ” living ” their lives either, they are caught in a rut, a routine, what they feel is ” normal “, what we are “expected” to do.  I say that’s not good enough.  We were not given the gift of life so that we would be unhappy, exhausted, and complain all the time.  There has to be more to it, and it’s up to us to actually do something about it. 

     I plan on continuing to set goals for myself, and am hopeful that I may reach some more of them.  I don’t want to waste any more precious time.

     What would you really love to do?  What are you interested in, and without making any excuses, why aren’t you going after it with every fibre of your being ?  Living our dreams is not simply a nice idea - it is our duty, and it is the best gift we can ever give ourselves.  No regrets - no ” what if’s ” - no wondering - just be happy.  If we don’t try, we may never know …

     Last year, some of you may recall, I wrote a blog post called  ” Taking A Stand ” ( Feb. 23rd 2009 ) which had to do with Anti-Bullying Day.  This year, the date to wear our pink shirts etc. to let everyone know that bullying is NOT acceptable any time, any place is Wed. April 14th, 2010.

     I have cut and pasted below part of my post from last year, as it pretty much sums up my feelings on the subject:

Anyone who has either witnessed bullying, or been a victim of it, can tell you how damaging and far-reaching the effects can be.  Although physical attacks are horrible, it’s the psychological damage that can be done to a victim that can be even more scary.  The effects of a bully’s cruel words can last well into adulthood. 

     I have seen many talkshows where victims of bullies want to face them, and tell them how they ruined their lives, and the sad thing is: many of the bullies either don’t remember the person, don’t remember doing it, or say ” it was a joke “.  Well, it’s not a joke.

     Bullies tend to pick on people they view as “weak” - kind, gentle, sweet people, who can’t/won’t fight back.  Obviously, the bully has self-esteem issues him/herself, or they wouldn’t need to appear ” tough ” or “cool “, or whatever their warped mind perceives their actions to make them.  As an adult, it’s easy to see that bullies have unhappy lives themselves, or they wouldn’t feel the need to try and make someone else feel lower than them.  As a child, however, the victim of a bully only feels worthless.  Public humiliation only re-enforces these feelings.

     Unfortunately, bullying does not stop in the schoolyard.  There seems to be one in every workplace, as well.  It may not be as obvious ( they may not physically or verbally threaten others ) but they may just be loud and obnoxious, boss others around ( delusions of grandeur, perhaps ? ) and act like they own the place.  What I don’t get, is why does society tolerate any of this ?  What ever happened to being nice to one another ?  I guess that takes more effort, and many people aren’t capable of caring about anyone beyond themselves. ( victims of bad parenting, I daresay . )

     Anyway, I hope that everyone who cares about others will wear pink on April 14th,  support all the victims of bullying, and send a clear message that bullying is not acceptable, and definitely not cool.

     You can find more info on this year’s events here.

Pink Shirt Day 2010

     Since I started doing some singing and acting a few years back, there have been several times when I have either had to get professional headshots done, or full-on photoshoots.  I, like most people, do not particularly like having my picture taken.  We all have certain features we don’t mind about ourselves, and we all have things we’d sooner not see too closely, in the wrong light, or at a bad angle.

     Personally, I think about 95% of pictures I have seen of myself are not very good.  I know we are all most critical of ourselves, but you have to admit, we’ve all seen not-so-flattering pics of pretty much everyone we know -  it happens.  I guess I always assumed that if you paid good money to a professional photographer, you would end up looking good, somehow.  Unfortunately, this is not always the case.

     I have been to quite a few Vancouver photographers, and I have to say that the only one who truly ” captured my essence ” ( in my opinion ) was the magnificent Kevin Clark.  I first met Kevin and his wife in 2005, when we did promotional shots, as well as the cover shot for my CD, “I’m Beginning To See The Light “.  They were a class act from the moment we walked in there.  His wife ( also a Makeup Artist ) totally respected the fact that I have my own ” look “, and that I’d pretty much done my own makeup before arriving.  She did a bit of ” tweaking ” to prepare me for the camera, but she let me look like me, which made me totally relaxed.

     She and Kevin were both super nice, great people, and I liked them both instantly.  The photoshoot was definitely one of the most fun things I have ever done - it was my 1st real photoshoot, and I’ll never forget it.  It was every little girl’s fantasy - to feel like a princess for a few hours - to look in the mirror and not mind what you see.  Anyone who knows me well knows that I am naturally a very shy person, but during that session, I felt anything but shy.  It was nice for once to not feel self-conscious, to just relax, and let the real me shine through.  Kevin totally brought that out of me.

     I would highly recommend Kevin Clark to anyone who is looking for good quality promo/headshots in the Vancouver area.  To this day, I have never seen any pictures of myself that have been so “true” to what I look like, as his were.

Heather Photoshoot 2005

Attitude

Playful

Serious

     When my 1920’s - 1950’s Big Band/Swing/Lounge CD ” I’m Beginning To See The Light ” came out in 2005, I knew it was going to be difficult to get much promotion, since nobody knew who I was.  I didn’t have any famous person endorsing me, or any financial backing of any kind - I paid for everything myself, and people basically heard about me by word of mouth.  Friends, family and co-workers were wonderful - they came to my CD Release Party, bought CD’s either there, online at CD Baby, or from me directly, and they told their friends and families about me.

     My dream was just that people would like my CD, and that perhaps, with some luck, I would ” break even ” financially.  Well, I did get a lot of positive feedback  regarding the CD, and that made me very happy.  It is always great to hear that people like something you have done - it makes you feel that maybe you were right to believe in yourself for once,  to take a chance , and do something that is important to you, something you truly are passionate about.  Sadly, when virtually no one knows who you are, for the most part, nobody really cares to give you a chance, in ” the Industry. “  I never even came anywhere close to ” breaking even ” in terms of the money I had to spend to make the CD.

     I remember my Dad being quite upset that the local Vancouver Radio Stations weren’t putting my songs into rotation.  He asked me about the whole ” Canadian Content ” thing on the radio stations, and he felt it was ridiculous that I couldn’t get anyone in my own city to care enough to play my CD.  It seemed as though if you weren’t either rich or famous, you would never be given a chance.  ( When you think about that, how can an “unknown” artist ever become known, if no one is willing to give them some exposure ? )

     On June 24th, 2005, I received an e-mail from a Radio Show Host in Buenos Aires, Argentina.  His name was José Luis Ajzenmesser, and he told me he had a radio show entitled ” La Guagua “, and at that time, it had been on the air for about 14 years, primarily playing Jazz.  He said he had come across some of my song clips online, and he really liked what he had heard.  He then asked if I would mind sending him a CD, so that he might play some of my songs on his show in future.  I had no idea who this man was, and I will admit, at first, I wasn’t sure about it all.  I am not in the habit of mailing things to complete strangers, and I didn’t know anything about him.

     After exchanging several more e-mails, and finding out that he truly did host a radio show, and genuinely liked my music, I decided to mail him a CD.  I thought perhaps he would listen to it, and maybe play one of my songs on his show some time, at best.  Well, after he received my CD and listened to the entire thing, he e-mailed me back, and told me how much he loved it.  Obviously, that made me feel good, since he hosted a Jazz  Show on the radio.  I thought it was very kind of him, and I didn’t think much more would come of it.

     I got yet another e-mail, telling me that he was going to dedicate half an hour of one of his shows to my CD, on Sept. 1st, 2005.  I could not believe it.  A complete stranger had heard bits of my songs online, and liked them so much that they were willing to play my songs for half an hour straight.  This was not in my city, or even my Country, but in Argentina.  I was completely blown away.  José was true to his word - he talked about me on his show, played 6 of my songs, and an online friend from Buenos Aires translated for a few of us while the show was on, so we’d know what he was saying about me.  That was one of the most amazing, kind things anyone has ever done for me.  He even played ” You Belong To Me ” ( my personal favourite ) twice, because he said he always loved that song since he was younger, and he enjoyed my version so much.

     I will never forget that wonderful man for dedicating that half hour of his show to me, and my CD.  It’s nice to know that somewhere in the world, a complete stranger was willing to take a chance on an ” unknown artist “, and play my music for his listeners. 

     I have to wonder if things will ever change here, though… why won’t radio stations support more local artists, and give them a chance to be heard ? It just seems wrong to get more support from a stranger than in your own city …. any thoughts ?

     It probably comes as no surprise to many of you that I have a thing for Ancient Egypt.  I first saw King Tut’s exhibit in Ontario in the 70’s, and that was it for me.  Since then, I have always been drawn to the art and artifacts of Egypt’s past.  To me, nothing can compare - it simply takes my breath away with its beauty.

     My dream trip has always been to go to Egypt and see the Pyramids.  If I could only have one more trip in my entire life, that is the one I would pick - it is definitely on my list of things to do before I die. 

Luxor Pyramid

     I guess that is a big part of why I love Las Vegas so much - the Luxor Hotel makes me feel close to fulfilling those travel dreams.  The first time we went to Vegas, we stayed at the Luxor, and we’ve stayed there many times since.

Golden Luxor Statue

     I get my Egyptian “fix” each time I stay at the Luxor - there are always new things to look at, every time you go - it is constantly changing.  Last time we were there, there was word that they were going to phase out the Egyptian-themed shops etc., which doesn’t seem to make much sense.  We wondered if they may be thinking of closing the hotel or something - after all, why would an Egyptian-themed Hotel scale down the Egyptian things in it?

Fabulous Gold Egyptian Mirror

          Not only is the hotel decorated with fabulous Statues etc., but the rooms are furnished much in the same manner - I always wish I could commission someone to re-create these amazing tables, chairs etc. for me.

     When I was younger, if I’d had a bad day at work, I would usually feel sad.  Generally speaking, some miserable person probably dumped all their negativity on me, and left me feeling as though I were somehow responsible for their lousy life.  I would take it personally that they were grumpy, and complaining, as if I had done something wrong.  It used to drain me emotionally, making me feel as though I couldn’t take much more  of dealing with people, all their rudeness, inconsideration, and lack of manners.

     Of course, as a grown woman, I have developed the ability to see past the crusty exteriors of most people, and rather than feel like a victim of these mean people, I feel sorry for them.  I can’t imagine how empty their lives must be, that they feel the need to blame others for everything, speak condescendingly to people, and just be plain miserable.  It is no different than the bully on the school grounds - they really aren’t tough, and they’re certainly not “cool” - they are obviously unhappy, insecure people that only feel better about themselves by putting others down.  It is so childish, and very sad, since even supposed ” adults ” do it on a daily basis.  ( just ask anyone who has ever worked in customer service of any kind )

     I quit a job once, partially because I felt that I could no longer stand there and take the abuse that spewed forth from peoples’ mouths.   I have said it before, and I will say it again:  ” Customer Sevice : A License To Abuse “.  I fully understand that companies want to make their customers happy, but if it is at the expense of their employees’ well-being, then who would want to work for that kind of company?  Any employer who would allow a customer to verbally abuse an employee of theirs would certainly not be someone I would want to work for.

     I have gotten to the point where I can now take all the negative energy from the crabby, rotten people, and re-direct it into other emotions.  Mostly, it spurs me forward, forcing me to think of how I can find a way out, a way to make my life better some day, so I never again have to deal with ” serving ” rude people.  We all have bad days, we all have really lousy things going on in our lives - no one is immune to ” life”, and it’s ups and downs.  I just don’t believe anyone has the right to take it out on someone else.  Nobody has the right to purposely make another human being feel lousy - it’s just not right.

     As you can probably guess, I had a particularly rough day at work today - way more than my share of difficult people - and I was not happy when I went on my lunch break.  I felt those familiar feelings ( I HAVE to quit, I don’t deserve this garbage, I don’t get paid enough to have to put up with this much stress … and the list goes on and on… ) but now, reflecting on the day, it is clear to me: the worse things get, the more likely I am to actually do something about it.  Most of us tolerate our jobs because we feel the familiar trap: bills to pay, the feeling of no choices, others depending on us financially, whatever the case may be.

     I say, if we are truly unhappy, there has to be a way to turn it around - all the negativity. ( Let it be the ” kick in the butt ” we need to seriously pour all our time and energy into something that actually interests us, makes us happy, and ignites the passion within. )

     So, I say “Thankyou” to all the rotten, miserable people out there - the grumpier you are, the more likely it will be that some day, I will find the courage and the strength I need to believe that I deserve something better, and I may actually do something about it.

     I am told that you shouldn’t live in the past, that you need to let go, move on, whatever ….. but there is just something about the 80’s for me that I will never let go of.  Sure, there were bad things - shoulder pads, legwarmers, headbands etc., but there were a lot of very, very good things.

     One of the things I loved best about the 80’s was the music.  My friends and I started going to a teen club when we were about 16 - it was called ” Bumpers “, and it was in Surrey.  That was where I fell in love with Erasure, Depeche Mode, Bronski Beat, Eurythmics, Howard Jones, Naked Eyes,  Talk Talk, Modern English, Billy Idol, David Bowie, Duran Duran , Kate Bush, Simple Minds, Strange Advance, Ultravox …. and the list goes on and on.  Yes, we all felt the lyrics were written for us personally, but the music itself was also amazing - back then, songwriters were brilliant, and songs didn’t all sound the same.

Never Boring

Most of our families thought our haircuts, and our clothes, were ” weird ” ( that’s putting it rather mildly ) and I’m sure they thought we were all getting into a lot of trouble, but we weren’t, really.  We were just looking for acceptance -  a place where we could hang out with others who felt you shouldn’t judge someone based on the way they wear their hair, or the fact that they have a bit of individuality when it comes to choosing clothes.  The nightclubs were the perfect escape for us - somewhere we could be free to be ourselves, and not be judged.  ( sounds like Paradise to me

1st Time I Shaved My Head

Hair Modelling Shot

     One of my favourite movies as a little girl was 1959’s ” Gidget “, starring Sandra Dee ( as the title character ) and James Darren as ” Moondoggie “.  I always liked how the sweet, well-mannered, wholesome Gidget ended up with the dreamy, handsome Moondoggie.  ( it gave us girls hope that our “old - fashioned ” upbringing may pay off one day )

Gidget Poster

     I had a huge crush on James Darren from the first time I saw that movie until …well … I guess I still do. ( my husband thinks it is cute, by the way ) My biggest dream as a child was to meet ” Moondoggie ” one day.  Years went by, I saw James Darren in other movies and T.V. shows ( T.J. Hooker, Star Trek DS9, just to name a couple ) and I always held on to the crazy fantasy of one day meeting him face to face,  just to make the ” little girl ” in me happy.

James Darren

Oh, Moondoggie!

To this day, I keep one of the pictures of us hung in a prominent place in my home, for those times when I think life isn’t going as I’d like it to.  When I feel down, it reminds me that dreams really can come true.  The trick is, sitting around and waiting for something good to happen isn’t the way to do it - we may be waiting for a very long time.  If we want something badly enough, we just have to go out there and get it, and if we need help with that, then we must not be too shy to ask.  I know I’m glad I did.

     I like to think of myself as a nice person.  I was brought up to be kind, patient, caring, understanding, and to treat others as I would like to be treated.  Therefore, I would never intentionally say or do anything that might hurt or offend another person.  Nothing good could come of that, so logically, why would I do it ?

     Since I am that type of person, I tend to surround myself with people of similar natures - gentle, thoughtful people that think before they speak, or do things.  Therefore, the word ” forgiveness ” has rarely come up in my life.  I have no desire to do things that would require others to forgive me, and I don’t want to hang out with people who would act in such a way that they would need forgiveness, from me, or anyone else.

     Obviously, we’ve all had bad experiences in life where people have hurt us - intentionally, or otherwise, and we have all felt the pain of a friend walking away ( for apparently no good reason ) or a love from the past breaking our heart - it’s all part of the human experience.  My take on things like that has always been pretty cut and dry: I ask myself if I did anything to be treated so badly, and if the answer is ” no “, then I just figure that it is the other person’s problem , not mine. You can’t make someone stay your friend, or keep loving you - they make their choice, so they must live with it.

     Yes, these things hurt, they make you wonder what happened, why people would do these things to you, but eventually, you resign yourself to the fact that they made the decision, and you’ll probably never see them again.  Life goes on … but that doesn’t mean you don’t still think about them , or care.  After all, you weren’t the one who walked away.

     Last year, an amazing thing happened to me - 2 good friends from the past ( one from Ontario, one from B.C. ) both contacted me out of the blue, and wanted to talk, after many years of ” nothing “. Of course, I was a little hesitant at first, after having spent years not knowing what happened, never getting an explanation, and just plain missing their friendships in my life. 

     I received heartfelt apologies from both ladies, and both expressed a strong wish to re-kindle the friendship.  I thought I would feel nothing.  I thought I would think it was ” too little, too late “.  I was wrong. I was overwhelmed with emotion, and filled with such joy that these women had finally decided it was time to talk about it, and try and make things right again.  Many years had passed, and they told me that they had missed me, as I had missed them.

     I accepted both apologies sincerely, and the instant I did, I felt so amazing.  It sounds really silly, but feelings I had dragged around for years ( negative ones ) vanished immediately.  I never thought it could be that easy, but it truly was.

     We were all young once - we made decisions based on emotions, rather than logic.  These things happened such a long time ago that I could not keep holding on to them , letting them continue to hurt me. Two wonderful women, once again my friends, made me realize not only that I could find it within myself to forgive, but that it was such an easy thing to do.  I am so grateful to have these ladies back in my life - I missed them so, and I love them dearly. ( you know who you are.  )

     When you truly forgive someone, you set yourself free.

     I still have a long way to go - a lot of people to forgive for a lot of things … but at least this was a step in the right direction, and it feels pretty good.

     I would like to start the New Year off by wishing all of you a very happy, healthy, and prosperous 2010 !  2009 was, by many accounts, a very difficult year for most of us, with the bad economy and all.  It has been a struggle just to get by, to try and keep food on the table and a roof over our heads. Many people had their hours cut back, or lost their jobs entirely. It was a tough year - full of struggles, dampened hopes, and many tears.

     Somehow, we made it through, and although we may be stronger for it, it still wasn’t pleasant.  I, for one, am glad to see the end of 2009, as it was definitely not one of the better years in my life, or for many people I know.

     I recently made a comment on Facebook about how I look forward to the ” feeling ” ( whether that be perceived or real ) of a ” clean slate ” when a new year approaches.  It really doesn’t matter if it is simply how we view it, or if it is real - what matters is what we do with it.  Personally, I think of it as having hope that things will improve, that we will be given a ” fresh start “, that we have another chance to make good choices - choices that will improve our lives, and hopefully, the lives of others.

     I am not one to make New Year’s Resolutions per se, and broadcast them to anyone who will listen, but today, I have already written down a list of goals for myself for this year.  Telling people the things you are ” going to do ” is great, and it is a positive thing to actually speak the words and ” put it out there “, but the older I get, the more I realize I’d rather “do” than just “say”.  It is very easy to say things, but much harder to actually put in the time and effort, and make them happen.  The way I see it, I have my personal list, and as I accomplish items on that list, I will share them with family and friends.  I have nothing to prove to anyone - my list is simply for me, and the people that care about me will be happy when I put my hopes into action….

     I hope that all of you have hopes, dreams, or goals that you want to realize this year - things that you enjoy but have perhaps put off, things that you don’t feel are important enough, whatever the case may be.  If there is some thing you love to do, or would love to try ( and it isn’t hurting anyone else ) - why not let this be the year you actually do it, or try it?  I know I say this all the time, but life really is too short to only dream/wish/hope/imagine, and not DO something to make yourself happy.  It is very easy to blame others, or your financial situation, or your work environment, ( or any number of things ) or find reasons why you shouldn’t or ” can’t ” do things for yourself - believe me, I know - but ultimately, all excuses or fears aside, nobody else can make us happy.  All we have to do is love ourselves enough to make the things we hope for become our reality.  If you feel you can’t do it on your own, friends and family always have words of encouragement for you to follow your dreams, and that will get you through even the darkest of times.

     On that note, I would, once again, like to thank everyone who has supported me during this hard year - knowing you believe in me, and my music, gives me great strength.  Whether it be kind words of encouragement, compliments on things I have accomplished, buying my CD or downloading a song, or most importantly - being there with a hug when I need it most - your support has helped me enormously. Your continued faith in me is truly what keeps me going.

     All the best to you, and your families, for a fabulous 2010 !